Christmas is coming: lazy meditation

I’ve tried meditating and I am absolutely no good at it. First, I can never get comfortable and it’s difficult to clear your mind when you can’t help wondering how much longer you can stave off a hip replacement. Second if I’m “meditating” with an instructor, I’m always slightly unnerved by the thought of what they’re doing when they tell me to close my eyes – are they looking at my spots, giving me the finger, exposing themselves (I could go on but I think you’ve got the idea). Thirdly, if I’m on my own, I can’t help thinking how much easier it would be if I just had an instructor guiding me, even if he is a sicko who gets his penis out the minute I close my eyes. 

So I’m a complete mind matters failure but whenever I see meditation on a spa menu, I go a little misty-eyed (that’s with regret, rather than the first stages of relaxation) because I know quietening the mind is really trendy – I mean, really good for me. So yesterday, while I was at The Standard Spa Miami, above, it was fantastic to come at the idea of it from another angle.

I had an acupuncture appointment which was fantastic in itself but even better because it was accompanied by sound – and not your usual whale with period pain who’s run out of aspirin nonsense. Playing on my headphones was Holosync by Centerpointe. It’s a mix of rainfall sounds, birdsong, musical chimes and temple bells with an underlying audio technology (I have no idea what that means but do know it’s the important, scientific bit), anyway the soundtrack was so soothing and mesmerising that I didn’t notice until the treatment had finished but while listening to it, I had stopped panicking about everything I needed to do once I was finished with this relaxing lark. 

I remarked on this to my lovely therapist Lori Bell, above, who nodded wisely. You see it wasn’t by accident that she had chosen this CD. It hadn’t been a toss up between Holosync and something by Bon Jovi. Apparently, Holosync “gives you ALL the benefits of meditation – in a fraction of the time – and without spending years learning how. It’s the lazy man’s meditation”. Basically, it’s liposuction versus Weightwatchers on an intellectual level and, in this case, I’m taking the shortcut… but laziness costs. There is a free demo CD (haven’t read the small print to see how many fingernails they extract if you don’t then purchase the real thing) but the proper CD collection costs $179 with another $34 for international shipping (hellooooo – how much? Is the package being borne by a chorus of flaxen-haired angels or something?). At those prices, it makes it a treat and that makes it the perfect Christmas present to my mind (see what I did there?).

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