Tenerife – it’s the chopped liver of tourism, isn’t it? Just the thought of it makes you want to gag. I mean doesn’t a hotel in Tenerife thinks it’s upmarket if most of the guests’ tattoos are spelled properly? (My favourite misspellings include Sweet Pee and No Regerts.) Guess what? Little old ink-free me has just spent the weekend there and can report if you stay at Abama, above, Tenerife is actually rather nice. The resort is massive but I holed up in its Tagor Villas, an adults-only enclave with a private pool and incredibly handsome pool attendants, ready to bring chilled water and fruit sorbets to my lounger at the drop of a hat (I promise didn’t try dropping any other garments). Seriously, just a look from one of them and every egg in my ovaries was fertilised (admittedly there’s probably only about half a dozen left in there but you get my drift). I am writing the spa up for The Sunday Times but, in the meantime, here’s a top tip for a gentle detox from the spa’s excellent life coach Daniela Herzberg. She promises you will never feel hungry on it and can lose three kilos in a week.
THE GRAIN CURE
150g of any uncooked grain (Daniela recommends brown rice or millet)
Vegetables, unlimited amounts thereof
Spices, just a little of the ones you like
Up to 500g of fruit compote
Sproutings, I think she means as in seeds not those things sprouting from the ears, nose and shoulders of old men
Eat the grain and the vegetables for every meal, every day, for a week. Occasionally, go completely potty and lob some fruit compote in a bowl. Nothing else. Just to be clear the definition of nothing definitely includes no chocolate, no coffee and no wine. You may find that regardless of the weather, the windy conditions will prove something of a talking point.